Sunday, June 24, 2012

2 weeks

Well, its been a little over two weeks, and I'd be lying if I said this past week hasn't been rough. I've had so much to say but just physically haven't felt up to it. I just started another round of antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, and that's knocked what little bit of wind I had in my sails, physically speaking. I actually felt better last week, believe it or not.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. The tears don't hit me when I first wake up like last week, but I know they're coming. I just don't know when or how bad. Sometimes it's a ripple....sometimes it's a tidal wave. Today was a tidal wave kinda day.

The first stage of grief is shock. It's the body's way of protecting the mind from the full impact of what just happened. I feel that this week the shock of losing Jacob is wearing off, and the enormity of the journey ahead is sinking in. It is overwhelming, like I'm/we're learning to live life all over again. Many times, I have cried....I just don't know what to do....I just don't know what to do. The path to our "new normal" feels so daunting.

On the other hand, and this doesn't make sense even to me.....I have never understood God less but loved Him more. My heart swells just typing it. He wants all of me, and for the first time I am prepared to give it. I want to wrecklessly trust him...too completely surrender. The devil isnt going to make it easy though. I have believed his lies and have lived in fear and anxiety, always trying to be in control. I have learned more about spiritual warfare these past couple years, as I've walked closer with God. I'm only kidding myself if I think the enemy will ease up on me in my season of grief. I mentioned it has been a tidal wave kinda day, but this evening I have been more at peace and I know why......God's powerful word. My mom came over, and I was reading some verses to her that have brought me comfort. Here is one:

Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Ps 126:5-6 NASB

I've also been reading Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You. It has really blessed me, validated much of what I feel, and given me hope. She prayed this prayer over the readers of her book, and I read it to my mom. We both felt the power and peace it brought. I ask that any of you reading this would please pray this over me and Zack:

"Lord Jesus, I am asking for Your presence to fill the room of the person holding this book. I ask that You remind him or her that Your power is made perfect in weakness and that the battle raging against us is no match for You. In Your powerful name, I command Satan to leave this home. Leave this marriage alone. Stop whispering lies about the circumstances of death and the belief that we could have done anything differently. Silence the lies the enemy has thrown at us. You have no right here, Satan, and we rebuke you in the name of the Savior. Jesus, bind his hands so he will no longer wreak havoc in the lives of these precious parents. Lord, we give You our hurts, our doubts, our guilt. We bring them to you and lay them on Your altar, eagerly awaiting the day when You will redeem what we have lost. Amen."

So, that's where I'm at tonight. Don't know where I'll be tomorrow, probably all over the place. I'm trying so hard to trust....to lay it all at his feet....all the "whys", all the anger, all the fear, all the doubt, all the sorrow,.....everything. I know it may take a while but I want to heal well.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day and not at all what I expected for Zack's first Father's Day.  I hurt for him.

On our first or second night home from the hospital, we were laying in bed holding each other and talking.  He surprised me by mentioning Father's Day coming up.  I hadn't even realized it was right around the corner.  He said that even though he is a dad, he doesn't get to be a dad.  We both just sobbed.

I told him he was and is a great dad.  He did what fathers are supposed to do.  He loved his child's mother.  He worked hard and provided for us.  He kissed, talked to, and loved Jacob with all his heart. I am so thankful this amazing man is the father of my child.  I love you Zack!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Perspective and Priorities

Take nothing for granted, not even the rising of the sun. 

I read that in my devotional a while back, and it stuck with me.  It's interesting how the small stuff I used to think about, to worry about, really doesn't matter anymore, but how little simple things I used to take for granted mean more now.  Say for instance, a solid night of  uninterrupted sleep.  Last night was the first night I slept good for a full 8 hours in a week.

Jacob came home yesterday.  I was expecting another gut wrenching day, but it wasn't.  It was tough and emotional of course but also beautiful, like the day he was born.  We decided to have his remains cremated.  Having him in a stark, sterile cemetery somewhere just didn't feel right.  That was the right decision. My dad thankfully handled the arrangements for us and picked out the most beautiful wooden urn for him.  It is perfect. We have plans to honor Jacob in our own way here on our farm, so his sweet little presence will always be with us.  Zack and I can't quite put a finger on what it feels like to have him back with us, but it gave us more peace.

We rode out yesterday afternoon to check our P.O. Box just to get out a bit.  It was a gorgeous day, and we rolled the windows down.  The wind blowing through my hair, that's what I mean by the little simple things that mean something.  We stopped at the market next door to grab a few things and also got a Mayfield's ice cream bar to eat on the way home....another simple little thing.

I thought I had a good grasp on my priorities before, but Jacob has given me such a wake-up call.  I would much rather still be asleep and still have Jacob, but I am thankful that I see things more clearly than I ever have in my entire life. For anyone reading this I encourage you to slow down, to look at your life.  What are you striving for?  What's really important?  There are no guarantees.  You really can't control every outcome.  For Pete's sake, put your dang phone down.  You'll survive if you don't see every status update, every email, and every text the millisecond it comes in.  I really don't mean to pass judgement with this, and I don't think I'm holier than thou but everyone in Facebook land will be just fine if you don't update your status every hour.  While you are busy posting every thought you've ever had, please consider what special moments you may be missing.  If it sounds like I'm preaching at you, maybe I am, but I am preaching at me too. I am certainly not perfect.  I'm sure I'll get bogged down at times and consumed with triviality at times, but I'm going to try like hell not too.

I am so thankful for all the support and prayers from everyone.  I've heard people say they can feel the power of prayer.  I always understood that, but now I know firsthand the truth of it. This trial has shown me the strength of different relationships.  It's hard for people to know what to do or say in situations like this.  I get that, but when the rubber meets the road, you learn just how much people truly care.  It's your childhood friend that drops everything and drives six hours wide open across the state just to be by your side.  It's your other best friend who was ready to cancel all her plans on her wedding anniversary just to be there.  It took alot of convincing to stop her, and we really didn't stop her...just slowed her down a little :)  She was right there anyway.  You two girls no exactly who you are.  I didn't know how much I needed you until I saw your sweet faces walk through that door.  I love and appreciate you more than you know!

I am praying that this loss changes me but doesn't define me.  I am praying that I don't live in a state of anger or bitterness, although I'm sure I'll feel those emotions.  I am trying to be thankful and hopeful.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Jacob

It has almost been a week since the worst day of my life, of Zack's life.  On Wednesday June 6th, I went in for a routine 25 week appointment and found out that my precious baby boy, Jacob Wyatt, didn't have a heartbeat. There were absolutely no indications anything at all was wrong at our 20 week anatomy scan.  He was perfect.  We and the doctors have no idea what happened.  We are all completely shocked. Our entire life as we once knew it, is gone.

Today and yesterday have a been a bit better, but still lots and lots of tears.  I love my Zack so much.  He is just as broken and devastated over the loss of our Jacob as I am.  I will never ever forget my angel baby.  He will be honored and remembered and will have a prominent place in our home no matter what.  Anyone who knows me will know him.

I delivered him on Thursday, June 7 at 5:40pm, 25 weeks to the day.  He weighed 2lbs 14oz and was 14 inches long.  He is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on!!!  His daddy and I and my mom and dad shared the most precious moment of my life.  I'm not sure how such sorrow and such joy can mingle together so powerfully.  I wish I would've and could've held him longer.  I miss him so!

They started my labor at 9pm Wednesday night and as I lay there dozing in and out all night, I distinctly remember scriptures repeating over and over in my head, almost involuntarily.  The peace and strength I felt was absolutely from above.  There is no way it came from me alone.  I remember thinking at one point, maybe we're not supposed to have children.  I have never felt the calling of adoption, but maybe that's what we're supposed to do.  But after delivering and holding our sweet boy, Zack and I have so much clarity and resolve. We.will.try.again!  To some that decision may seem hasty or too soon, but I really don't care how it seems to anybody.  Frankly, I don't give a rip what anybody else thinks about anything we do or decide from here on out.  As long as my God blesses it, that's all that matters.  Nothing can replace Jacob but also nothing on earth but another precious baby could ever fill this void in our soul or this physical emptiness in our arms.  I don't know when the time will be.  I must physically heal, and we must grieve and honor our Jacob, but I pray the time will be sooner rather than later.

I do not understand why God has allowed this tragedy in our lives.  It feels so unfair. I cry out, Why God Why!! I do not know what He is doing, but I must trust and know that it is BIG!


 "But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, O Jacob. He who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:1-3