As I assured Jacob, when he was journeying away from home into unknown places, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. Italics from Genesis 28:15
I went for a walk early this afternoon, and like always, I think of Jacob. So much in nature makes me think of him....the clouds, the angle of the sun, the birds, the butteflies
I walked a little bit different way than I have lately. It's the same way I walked almost daily this spring while I was pregnant. Back then, I would often think, "Well, this time next year J. Dub will be ____ months old," and I would wonder what that would be like. It was fun to think about. As I walked that familiar path today, I found myself again wondering where I'll be this time next year, and I have no idea.
I walked a bit further and found myself in a place where the path had become overgrown, and I couldn't clearly see the way ahead. I could only see a short distance. I stopped there and realized how symbolic this path was of my life right now. I am journeying into unknown places.
I tell ya, faith sure is a tricky thing in the midst of suffering and trials. We are told to trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and He will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:6). Well, that's all hunky dory and easier to do when life is good and you can see the path and it looks pretty straight. But, what about trusting when life isn't good, when you can't see the path, and what you can see is extremely difficult terrain. I am supposed to continue to trust the same God that allowed the unthinkable to happen, when He could've stopped it? People blame the unthinkable on the fallen, sin-filled world we live in. I get that, but God is bigger than that. He is the creator of heaven and earth. He created my son, and He could have saved him. Wonder why He chose not too?
We're also told that all things work together for good. (Romans 8:28) It's hard to see how anything about losing my baby could ultimately be good. My cousin's baby girl was diagnosed a few months shy of her first birthday with leukemia. She lost her fight almost a year later and left behind a broken hearted Mommy and Daddy. Again, Why?! Where is the sense in sweet, innocent babies dying?
It doesn't take much living to see that life's unfair. Nobody has it pefect, and none of us go through life unscathed. I've thought lately that when it was our turn to experience life-changing unfairness why did it have to strike the most sacred part of our life, our child? Why didn't it strike our finances in some drastic way? Why didn't some natural disaster or even a fire destroy our home instead? I certainly don't wish for those things to happen. I pray they don't but that's just replaceable stuff...not our baby.
So, the God that allowed the unthinkable also carries me through and to the unknown places. I go to this mysterious God for comfort because it's all I know to do. With the three month anniversary of Jacob's death barely behind me, and his due date looming ahead of me, that where I am. Wrestling, wondering, and questioning God. I know He's okay with it. He knows every thought before I think it anyway, so why not talk openly with Him about it.
I've been seeing a different acupuncturist, and he's a christian also. He shared with me that he lost his first wife, so he is familiar with grief. He said, "You know it's alright to fuss at God. Just keep talking to him. As long as you keep talking, you'll come out on the other side. Just keep the faith. Just keep the faith."
I'm praying. I'm talking. I'm trying.