It's been five months today since I saw that sweet boy's face for the first time. I miss him and ache for him just as much as ever. This past month has been an absolute roller coaster....emotionally, mentally, and physically. I saw this picture among all the Hurricane Sandy coverage and could instantly relate.
My life the past five months, and the last month particularly feels like riding a roller coaster swept into the ocean in the middle of a freakin' hurricane. I'm over it. Stop this damn thing and let me off.
I'm not going to go into the details of this last month, maybe someday, but not now. I've felt and continue to feel so many emotions, but I also have clarity. It's clear to me that I need more time to heal, to just love and miss my baby boy without thinking of what comes next. The primary reason I've been exercising, doing acupuncture, etc is to get myself ready for another pregnancy. Whatever my motivation, those things certainly help me, but I realized I wasn't doing them to just help ME heal which is what I needed. There was always another goal in mind....trying again, getting pregnant again, having another baby.
Well, I'm not ready for any of that on any level right now. I was putting pressure on myself without even realizing. I do want another baby, but I want the baby I can't have more. So, I will honor him and myself by taking some time to just be still.
That's much easier said than done, but that's what I did today. I was still on this gray, dreary day. I didn't worry about all the other things I should be doing. I wrote Jacob a letter. I cried. I read. I rested....finally rested on every level.