Saturday, February 16, 2013

Getting it out

I knew this post would come.  I just didn't know when.  I had a miscarriage at the end of October.  There...there it feels better just to get it out there.  I feel like I've tapdanced around it these past few months, and I'm tired of it.  I don't think I can authenatically express myself going forward without sharing this.  At first my main reason for keeping quiet about it was pity.  I didn't want people to pity me, to feel sorry for me.  Prayers, yes.  Pity, no.  By people, I don't mean my close family or friends and I don't mean other angel mommas.  I mean like Facebook friends or acquaintances who I don't even talk to anyway.  Why do I care if they know or how they think of me?  I don't.  If I did, I would actually talk to those people.  My other reason is that honestly at my core, I'm a pretty private person.  I'm really not a fan of people who plaster there drama all over creation.  Some stuff is and should be only your business. I really wasn't sure if I wanted this loss to be anybody else's business.

 My desire to share this really shifted today.  I've received some lovely feedback about the blankets, and the main theme has been how much they will comfort and help the women and families that receive them.  Why should this blog be any different?  Blogs have been a huge help to me in my grieving.  So many times, I have read my own thoughts and feelings written by others.  I am writing this blog for me and for other angel mommas....not for facebook friends....not even for my family.  I'm also doing this because I know God wants me too.  One of the reasons God put any of us on this earth is for His glory, so that He may be seen through us and through His work in our lives.  If somebody sees God through my ramblings and through my life, then that is some good to come out of all this.  Would I rather have my son instead of discussing how God's glory might be revealed in his loss?  Resoundingly....Yes.  A million times....Yes. 

Anyway, in mid October we discovered we were pregnant again, much to our surprise. We weren't trying but we weren't preventing either. We learned very early that the pregnancy wasn't viable.; At 5 weeks, my progesterone dipped and my hcg levels stopped doubling.  I had to get an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy which thankfully it wasn't.  I chose to have a d&c instead of miscarrying naturally.  I knew that emotionally I couldnt' wait around for that to happen.  We chose not have the tissue tested, but the doctor's did it anyway.  It turns out I had what's called a partial molar pregnancy.  You can google it if youbwant to know more but basically two sperm had fertlized the egg and the baby had too many chromosomes.  It was a complete fluke and not realated to me or my clotting disorders. God answered a prayer I didn't even pray.  I chose not to have any testing done, but He knew I needed to know it wasn't something wrong with me.  While, I'm thankful for that, how odd is it that He didn't answer the prayer that I did pray....Lord, please let this baby be okay.  I need this baby to be okay.

Looking back and even during the brief time I was pregnant, I could see that I wasn't emotionally ready for another pregnancy.  I wasn't ready for the stress of a pregnancy after loss on top of the normal stress of a diabetic pregnancy.  I can wrap my head around that.  I can get that. I still wonder why God even allowed it.  I know I would've realized I wasn't ready without having to go through this.  So needless to say I've been through the wringer.  . The holidays came right on the heels of the miscarriage, and all of the stress and the grief really took a toll on me, emotionally and physically. I'm just now getting back on my feet. There's much more I could say about all this and our thoughts about the future, but my laptop battery is about to conk out. Pardon, the typos but I know if I try to come back tomorrow and fix them or try to elaborate on my thoughts this post will never see the light of day.

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