Saturday, February 23, 2013

Two births

I've had an emotional week.  I've felt a  myriad of things.....sorrow, relief, anger, thankful, clarity, unfairness, reflective, fortunate.  I came home one evening this week to the news that a family member was about to have her baby.  It was a very emotional night and touched some very tender places that are still healing. I didn't know her due date, on purpose, but I knew this was coming.  We learned about her pregnancy a few short weeks after losing Jacob, and it certainly hasn't made the grieving process any easier.  In ways, I've received respect and consideration, but there has also been complete oblivion to my feelings and misguided actions that have hurt me deeply.  This situation has several layers, most of which have nothing directly to do with mother or baby, that I wish I could write more about.  It's one of those times I kinda wish no one in my real life even knew I had a blog, know what I mean?  In all honesty, I would like to spew all my emotions and thoughts all over the place, but it's not worth it at all.  Overall, I have gotten to a better place about this baby's arrival, and I am thankful he is here safe and sound.  I was able to look at his picture, acknowledge the innocent little guy that he is and smile at his wrinkly head.  I'm thankful I'm not completely sticking my head in the sand, but I also know my limits.  I'm not ready to be around him or any other babies yet.  I know where I am.  I accept it and make no apoligies for it.

This week I also learned of another couple that has lost their precious baby girl. Please keep them in your prayers. My friend Rachel called me with the news on Tuesday night.  Rachel also lost her first born, Lila, about five years ago.  She has become a dear friend, and I'm so thankful to have her guidance and support.  The couple going through this is her friend's step brother.  Since their loss is more similar to my loss, Rachel called to ask for any information or advice she could pass along.  I was glad to be in a position to help, but it also stirred up some distinct memories of our time in the hospital.  Memories that I don't delve into and explore on a daily basis.  I cried about that.  I cried  because I just hate that they're going through this painful process.  I cried because I know the hospital and delivery is only the beginning of a very long journey.  I cried because I'm thankful and relieved I'm not where they're at, all the way at square one.  It just dawned on me though, that part of me wishes I was there becaue I was so close to Jacob.  Oh, what a jumbled mess of emotions this can be

Anyway (sigh)

If I'm following the time line correctly, labor was induced  Wednesday night and she didn't deliver until sometime this morning.  Today is Saturday. I repeat is Saturday. Bless her heart.  Due to the baby's condition, the nurses advised that they not see her.  I had so hoped they would get to see her.  Most of mine and Rachel's suggestions and advice centered around seeing and spending time with her.  I encouraged them to bring special clothes to dress her in, to hold her and spend all the time they could with her, and to take all the pictures they could.

I never thought I would look back on Jacob's brith and feel fortunate in any way, but I do.  I was in labor for twenty hours instead of days.  I not only got to see him, but I got to hold him.  No words can express how thankful I am for that time with him and for those pictures.  I'm so thankful I know he has my lips and nose, and his daddy's cheek bones. I'm so thankful the nurses took pictures of him and that we did too, even if all we had were our phones. It was one of those simple pictures taken by the nurses that allowed us to get this amazing portrait done.

This is such a treasure to us. The artist who did it is Portraits by Dana.  I so appreciate her service.  She captured Jacob beautifully and was wonderful and easy to work with. 
Soooo, in conclusion, this week was unavoidable and I'm relieved to have it behind me.  It's been tiring and distracting.  I feel like it's knocked me off center a bit.  I'm okay, but I'm eager to direct my focus back to things that affect me in a more positive way. 

1 comment:

  1. I know this post was written months ago, but I'm just now reading it and it comforts me. It comforts me that I'm not the only who has trouble being around newborn babies after losing my own baby. It's been 5 months since I lost my Lucy and I still can't be around tiny babies and pregnant women. Sometimes other people make me feel ridiculous because it's been 5 months and they think I should be back to normal. I like how you just know where you are and accept it for what it is. I am just learning to do that and it is helping me heal. It's good to be able to put up healthy boundaries. I just wish I had done it earlier. Anyway, thank you for this honest post. It has helped me a lot today.