Then the next week a big oak tree near the house got struck by lightning and in the process it fried our cable modem and the invisible dog fence. Tucker continued to go down hill, and I stressed, fussed, and grappled over what to do. I scheduled an appointment to have her put down, only to turn right around and cancel it because she really wasn't ready yet. Then, I found an adorable 5 week old kitty in our old barn which added a whole new dynamic to our already chaotic household. That was last week.
This week has been generally busy. I've continued to watch Tucker like a hawk, hovering and fussing and grappling over when it was time to let her go. It's really no fun knowing a decision like that is right around the corner. This dog has been with me through thick and thin for ten years. I've known her longer than my husband. Through it all, she's always been this steady sweet presence. Yesterday turned out to be the day we let her go, and while I'll miss her, I know the time was right. I'm not sure exactly if dogs go to heaven. The Bible indicates that animals are in heaven, the lion will lay down with the lamb, etc. So I'd like to think there's a sweet dog and a sweet little boy hanging out together tonight.
I find it so interesting that the one week this month I thought would be the most stressful, Jacob's birthday, was actually the calmest. My hardest days were the weekend before which was when I wrote that last post. I woke up the next Monday and just felt more at peace. I really expected to be an emotional mess the whole week, but amazingly the days rolled along quite smoothly. The night before his birthday Zack and I did a lantern release. We have a really cool rock on the property that juts out over the lake, and we released it from there. We each wrote him a note on the lantern before we lit it and let it go. We cried. We prayed. It was deeply emotional for us, but we were both very thankful we had that time together. I think getting all that out the night before may have helped us deal with his actual birthday better. The texts and emails started coming in that morning and while I appreciated every single one, each one made me cry. Each a little stab to the heart, and a reminder of why June 7th even matters and why it's not just any other day. The rest of the afternoon was pretty low key. My mom came over and started preparing for our supper that night, and I took a walk. As I was walking, I reflected on the year and how often I had walked those steps, soooo many times in tears. It was odd to me that on that walk, of all walks, I didn't cry.
We spent the rest of the evening with our parents, and everyone had a really nice time. I woke up Saturday morning feeling relieved and thankful to have such a huge milestone behind me. Last June, it was hard to see my way through one day let alone a whole year. I know I wrote in my last post that this past year has been swallowed by grief, and while that's true, I can see and appreciate how very far I've come. To those who of you who prayed us through Jacob's birthday and have prayed us through this whole year....thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate it more than you know!
Here are just a few pics from the past few weeks:
|Partial rainbow the week of Jacob's birthday|
|Cards and flowers from my angel momma friends, Rachel & Tina|
|Lightning strike - upper right|
|Last pic of me and Tuck together|