Well, here it is. Jacob's birthday is just five days away. I could tell you it was close without ever looking at a calendar. I can just tell by the ache in my chest. It doesn't seem possible really. This year has been such a blur. A whole year completely swallowed up by grief, well except this last month. May has been the best month I've had, well, in a year. I'm so thankful to finally be feeling more like my old self, and I hate that his birthday is barreling down on me. I know I have to stop and deal with all the emotion and all the memoires, and I don't want to yet. I'm also afraid on some level I guess, afraid that I'll lose the footing it's taken so long to gain. I know God doesn't want me to think that way. Doesn't He say like a gazillion times in the Bible...Do Not Fear...Do Not Be Afraid. I know He didn't bring me this far to let me go now. He carried me through June 6th & 7th last year, and He'll carry me again. Just this year, I don't have the insulation of shock.
It's strange really the things that trigger the memories. I came home from running some errands the other day, and just the feel of the house reminded me of the afternoon we got back home from the hospital. I don't know what it was exactly that made it feel like that. Maybe it was the trees outside or the angle of the sun or the coolness of the house but whatever it was reminded me of the silence and emptiness I felt the day we came home. I think my memories of this week last year are more detailed than other memories of my pregnancy. It's probably because I replayed those days over and over again in the aftermath of Jacob's death, just trying to remember anything that might explain why we lost him.
I'm planning a very low key week. I don't have anywhere I have to be at any specific time. I'm hoping to stay busy enough but still have the quite time I need to process through all this. We're closing our business for the last half of the week, so we don't have to deal with any of that. Zack and I are planning some quite time by ourselves to honor Jacob in our own way, and we're also getting together with our parents on his birthday. It's definitely not how I pictured his first birthday, but I think we'll laugh and have a nice time. As much as I can, I want to honor his sweet little life and my deep love for him rather than wallowing in his death. I think the fact that we've survived this past year is something to celebrate in a way. Everyone says the first year is always the hardest, and I'm almost through the first year, thank heavens. I know a magic switch won't flip on June 8th and everything be all hunky dory, but I pray I feel some relief getting this milestone behind me.
If you're reading this, would you please pray for me and Zack and our families. Please pray the days ahead are as gentle as they can be. Also, please pray for simple things like healthy appetites and plenty of sleep. I've been dealing with some sleep issues the past few days. Please pray that God will be huge for us this week and that we'll feel the comfort, peace, and strength that only He can provide.